rise up bloggin'

hope.

2008-11-03T21:46:00.004-05:00

My mother, just one generation before me, lived in a world where there were different water fountains, different entrances, and very different opportunities for black folks and white folks. The N word was still part of regular conversation among most white people. Lynchings were very real. In addition to all of that, in the part of the country where I grew up, citizens of this country were kept from even registering to vote, much less voting or running for office.

Some of those things are still true. Oppression is still real. Racial prejudice and hate still exist. Children in America with brown skin are still treated differently than children with pale skin. We still have a long way to go.

But this morning I cried as I cast my vote for a man who, I believe, will lead our country to a good and healthy place...and who happens to have brown skin. It is a good day. My children will never live in a world where a black man cannot be President of the United States. It is a good, good day.

Out West Adventures--Day 3

2008-10-22T22:21:00.003-04:00

Again words can't begin to describe what we saw today.

We are at the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. The larger visitor center and more common site to visit is the South Rim. We are really in the middle of nowhere. It's the end of the season here and already getting very cold. The park's lodging is closed for the winter already, so we are staying at the only place near the park...it is a very cute and cozy lodge. Right now we're sitting by a fire in this wood beam lodge where they have internet. There are some French hikers at a table nearby and a retired couple at another table and some other young, hippie hikers wandering around. The World Series is on. It's fun...and we're about to go eat dinner in the lodge restaurant.

It's been another wonderful day. Just wonderful. We have planned this trip well, I think, for both of our needs. A place to stay each night already arranged and a main destination for most days. But everything else is up in the air. We're really enjoying the flexibility.

Well, they are ready for us and I am ready to eat. Tomorrow we cross the southwest.

Out West Adventures--Day 2

2008-10-21T23:26:00.005-04:00

Day 2—October 21, 2008

There aren’t really even words to adequately describe today. It was just a good, good day. It started when Andy woke me up in time to watch the sun rise over the mountains…it just happened to be the view right outside our hotel room. The time difference meant we felt like we’d slept really late when it was like 7am in Las Vegas. We had a leisurely breakfast and then headed out towards Utah. As Andy put it, we traveled from Sheol to Zion today...Zion National Park, that is.

We drove across a stretch of desert, basically, where the mountains and plateaus were absolutely beautiful!

Then we got into the river valley that runs through Zion Canyon and, finally, to Zion National Park. It is just breathtaking. It’s a desert…only an average of 12 inches of rain a year. This year they’ve only had about 5 inches. Yet this river runs through the canyon and hydrates the land. Also the canyon is primarily sandstone, which absorbs water when it does rain. Then, in some places it leeches back out and forms little springs or waterfalls coming out of the side of the rocks. Plants can root in the rock and live off the water inside. They told us that the water coming out of the rocks has been in there for about 4,000 years!

Really, it was just a wonderful day. We were immersed in God’s good creation. I kept singing "Glory, glory, hallelujah!" in my head (the Daisy May version, for the record). I was also very aware that I am journeying with this man who continues to astound me with his love and compassion for me and his abundant excitement about the world and to whom I am lucky enough to be married. Andy and I had a hard time living apart for so many months earlier this year, but we are so much better now. I just feel really grateful that we are able to take this vacation together right now. I am also extremely grateful that we can both appreciate and celebrate God together in the midst of moments like today.

Out West Adventures--Day 1

2008-10-21T23:21:00.002-04:00

Day 1—October 20, 2008
I am writing this from the inside of a pyramid. That’s right…we’re staying tonight at the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas…the one shaped like a pyramid. Crazy!

For those of you who haven’t heard, we are on a long awaited trip out west right now. We have begun in Las Vegas (only for one night) and then are going to make our way towards Albuquerque, New Mexico for a Christian Educator’s Conference. This trip is basically my graduation present from our parents and my grandma and a rare big vacation for us. I thought I’d write a bit about it when we have access to internet.

Today we flew into Las Vegas and also got to visit Hoover Dam.

Got to see a bit of the Grand Canyon from plane and could see the Hoover Dam and Lake Mead really well. The mountains here, at least out this far, just jut up from the ground sharp and dusty. They seem abrupt…beautiful…absolutely beautiful…but bare. I felt glad to witness the stark beauty of this landscape, but even more grateful for the mountains I know that are green (with bursts of red and yellow and orange right now) and rounded…full of life, though scarred from centuries of human impact. They seem wise to me, our beautiful blue ridge mountains.

Hoover Dam was very cool...and very huge! We got to go on the tour and see some of the inside workings of the electrical plant and go up to see the top of the dam. Wow. It’s even more amazing to think they built it in the 30’s without the benefit of modern technology and machinery!

Then, to Las Vegas. Oh my. It is amazing in many ways. I am very impressed with the way they just decided to have a crazy vacation city in the middle of the desert only about 100 years ago and then just made it happen. The lights, architecture, and various attractions along the strip (like mock Eiffel Tower, Statue of Liberty, New York roller coaster, pirate ship show fully equipped fireworks effects) are astounding and sometimes breathtaking. We walked down to the Bellagio Hotel to watch the fountains dance to music and that was cool! I can’t help but feel like I’ve walked onto that island with Pinocchio and keep looking around at different things that are happening and think “this can’t be right.” (I almost never think myself conservative in nearly any way…but tonight…man oh man! I felt like the church lady or something! There are lines that ought not be crossed…it turns out I think there are some lines. Oh my.)

I’m really glad we got to include Las Vegas as a little stop on our out west adventures, but I am not sure I could manage much more time. There’s just so much going on all the time and everywhere you look…my brain is exhausted. As my mother would say if she were here: “Auditory overload!” However, I think I would get overloaded in just about every way if I stayed here for long!

I’m excited that tomorrow we head out for Zion National Park. It’s supposed to be beautiful.

Also, this trip includes a car with push button start. Seriously, you just put your foot on the break and push a button…then the car starts. It’s still freaking me out! A little too Back to the Future for me…I just want to southwest travel…not time travel just yet!

Occam's Razor...

2008-09-22T21:20:00.002-04:00

...says the simplest answer is usually the best.

There continues to be much talk around our house and in my own head about the best timing for and circumstances around having babies. Tonight I said several of my most recent thoughts on the subject out loud as we were cooking dinner. Later I asked Andy if he had any thoughts on the matter. He said what he has been saying about babies since we got married: "I think we should have one."

When I pointed out that he has had the same answer for over four years, but that lots of the factors, timing, etc. have changed, he just said "But, it's easy. Step 1: We should have a baby. Step 2: I would love it. Step 3:...well...I guess someday it would get old."

This made me laugh out loud for lots of minutes. Would that my brain could work things out so simply.

fighting fires

2008-09-08T09:01:00.004-04:00

It is a week of remembering...Hurricane Katrina, September 11th, and more personal remembrances of Grammy and Nette. It is still a time of sadness for many people I know who have lost people they love recently. It is a hard time for my own family. I don't know that I have much to offer, but I remembered an article I wrote a couple of years ago...more of a letter to the congregation I was with at the time. It was right after a lot of attacks had happened in Iraq and probably right around the one year anniversary of Katrina, although I didn't name that specifically. I've adapted it here and included the full lyrics of the song I was thinking about at the time. I went to bed last night feeling pretty empty and lost. Rereading and adapting this has helped me feel...well, better. I hope it reaches some of you in whatever way you need it right now.

There’s a song I’ve been listening to a lot lately by one of my favorite musicians, Sarah McLachlan. The song is entitled World On Fire, which feels all too true lately. The lines that keep running in my head are

“The world is on fire, it’s more than I can handle.
I’ll tap into the water and try to bring my share.
Try to bring more, more than I can handle.
Bring it to the table.
Bring what I am able.”

Those words can feel so true in my life. These last few weeks our world quite literally has erupted with even more fire in the way of bombs and what seems like never-ending war. While I am not in the midst of that fire, it feels overwhelming and painful to me. Thinking of all of the men and women who are away from home and in harm’s way fighting for their country, the civilians caught in a struggle so much bigger than they are, and all the folks worrying about and praying for their loved ones in the midst of the conflict. That’s a fire in our world that’s more than I can handle.

It doesn’t take something as big as war though, to set our individual worlds on fire. The loss of someone we love can turn our world upside down. A loved one’s struggle with addiction or mental illness can leave us feeling completely alone. The loss of a job can bring turmoil, a struggle about identity, and very practical problems about losing an income. These things can feel like more than we can handle.

This image of fire in our world doesn’t always mean something negative, either. New babies, new houses, new relationships, new jobs are all things that bring immense amounts of change and can turn our worlds upside down. Even if it is wanted and much anticipated change, it can get to feeling like more than we can handle.

But, I am encouraged by the guidance in the next line of the song: I’ll tap into the water and try to bring my share. That image of water reminds us of powerful images in our faith of living water that sustains us. I find myself able to connect with Christ, our living water, through worship experiences in community, connecting with other folks who are journeying through this world with me, prayer, and other spiritual practices. We must take time for Sabbath, for rest, and for finding ways to “tap into the water.”

The good news is that we do have living water to sustain us, to calm the fire, to soothe our souls. Then, we do want to bring our share to the table to try to help. We connect with God and with others by giving back and we are fed in our service. It’s hard, though, because we want to help, but can so easily commit to more than we can handle. But, we want to bring our share. All we can do, though, is bring what we are able to bring at any particular moment. Some of us will be able to offer more than others of us and the load will shift as we journey together. It is important that we honor and support each other as each person discerns what he or she is able to bring to the table.

But the most important part, to me, is that we do gather at the table together. That, one way or another, we find a way to bring what we have to the table…even if all we have in our hands is a broken heart. There, around the table, we encounter the living Christ again in the bread and juice. Together, around the table, we can help each other stand.
We are all journeying together. Sometimes it does feel like the world is on fire. We all need to tap into the water and find a way to know rest. We also need to find ways to bring what we feel able and led to bring to the table to, in turn, be filled by the grace of God. I don’t know of any other way to survive the fires that keep erupting in this world. We will find our way…on this journey together.

World On Fire by Sarah McLachlan
Hearts are worn in these dark ages. You're not alone in this story's pages. Night has fallen amongst the living and the dying and I try to hold it in, yeah I try to hold it in, but

Chorus:
The world's on fire and it's more than I can handle. I'll tap into the water and try to bring my share. I try to bring more, more than I can handle. Bring it to the table, bring what I am able.

I watch the heavens and I find a calling, something I can do to change what's coming. Stay close to me while the sky is falling. I don't wanna be left alone, don't wanna be alone.

Chorus

Hearts break, hearts mend. Love still hurts. Visions clash, planes crash. Still there's talk of saving souls. Still the cold is closing in on us. We part the veil on our killer sun, stray from the straight line on this short run. The more we take, the less we become. A fortune of one that means less for some.

Chorus

composting life

2008-08-18T16:07:00.002-04:00

Two families I really care about recently had tragic deaths of grandparents. I've been remembering an incident of betrayal and crisis in a church where I used to work. Someone I love continues to struggle and flounder in repeated crises. And today would have been my dad's 55th birthday. So, as is all too often the case, I've been thinking about grief a lot lately.

I don't think God ever, ever wants these kinds of tragedies to happen to us. I just don't think God wills such things. I don't know why they do happen beyond the fact that we live in a broken world where death, betrayal, and tragedy are part of human existence. However, the loving and merciful God I see in Scripture is not a God who seeks tragedy for God's people.

Today I am grateful, though, for the ways God is always...always...present with us in pain and sadness. I do believe God can work in and through anything that befalls our lives...and that God does work in the midst of and in the aftermath of tragedy. God nurtures and tends. The pain and sorrow and loss become part of the ground beneath us where our souls take root.

Today I cry for the families that have lost grandparents they love, for communities that struggle with accountability and hope, for people that struggle to find their way in the world...and I cry because I really miss my dad.

And.

I am grateful to be standing in a more solid place...that grief and sadness are no longer overwhelming in my life. I am grateful for the ways I have grown and the things I have learned from my own experiences of sadness and loss. I am grateful for the hope I have now even in the midst of sadness...deep and abiding hope that only comes from experiencing the goodness and love of God.

I am grateful for new life.

home sweet home

2008-07-09T11:56:00.002-04:00

so, i finally feel like i've gotten our house settled. we've finally hung pictures on the walls and nearly everything has a place. granted, we're completely out of bookshelf space, but that's how we like it i guess. a wonderful friend said recently that one of his favorite parts of being at our house is being surrounded by books. i like that, too. i guess, though, if you have a book phobia, you probably ought to keep your distance!

also, my mom, grandma, and one of my best friends in the world came to visit over the weekend. it was really wonderful to have them here. we cooked together, explored, participated in camp activities, ate delicious food, and picked berries...mom even went extreme berry picking with us! my friend had been here a couple of times and my mom came once before we were living here full time. so, even those who weren't seeing our house for the first time were seeing it really put together and settled in for the first time.

a day or two before they arrived, i realized how much i wanted them to like our house. it's not that i thought they wouldn't like it. i've just worked pretty hard to find ways to make this place our home, to find our own style for this house and for our life, and to figure out how to put all of that in this space.

in many ways i know i'm preparing for the likelihood that our lives will consist of lots of moves as methodist pastors and probably some parsonages along the way. i know that i have a tendency to look forward or to the past and do not always remember to live in the right now. so, i don't want that to translate into never settling into a place because i know we'll be moving someday. so, i think my nesting here has been a way to prove to myself that we can really feel at home wherever we are...even if our roots and our people are far away.

and, it's worked. i really like our house and i think it feels like home...i look forward to being in it...and it has bits and pieces of our people, our roots, and our histories woven throughout. i feel surrounded by love, support, and good memories when i'm here, even though we haven't had tons of time to make memories here yet. i think andy feels at home here, too. (mostly he's only home these days to sleep, but that's just for summer camp season...i think he'll take full advantage of the couch and our comfortable living room when the summer is over!)

it also turns out that my mom and grandma really liked our house, too. it's not exactly their style, but it is mine and they loved that. of course they did. i guess i knew they would. i made it my own, put myself into it...and they love me a lot, so of course they loved my home that holds my life. it was good to hear them say it, though.

I'm back...and I'm using names.

2008-05-21T21:29:00.003-04:00

So, I graduated. (Hooray!) I packed up my stuff (with much help from Andy carrying heavy boxes) and left my friends and community I've been really enjoying. I got in the car with Andy and brother Mike (ha! like he's a friar or something!) and drove to Virginia. Now I'm here again and it's real. There's still too much from the last month or so to be able to write about...maybe later.

But, for now, Mike stayed for a few days and we had a great visit. It was his first time up here. I'll just say my weekend consisted of: good fresh food from the farmer's market, wine tastings at five different local wineries, long walks around the beautiful property here, catching up on sleep I missed during the end of classes and finals, kite flying, and lots of cooking with the bro (Mike is one of my favorite folks in the world to cook with!). Oh, and he made us chocolate mousse. So, not too shabby so far.

Now the visit is over, though. Mike went back to Atlanta and I'm still here. Andy's gearing up for the busy summer full of long days of summer camp. We'll see how it goes.

At least now we have tv!

taking a deep breath...

2008-04-26T09:49:00.003-04:00

I have almost finished my time in seminary. Classes are over as of yesterday. There are still two big finals and a paper that stand between me and a graduate degree. And lots and lots of saying thank you and goodbye. I have more to say about this than I know how to write right now. I've been mulling several different blog posts for weeks now, but the pace of school hasn't given me enough time to sort them out in my head. Now, today, when there is nothing on my to do list, I find myself just needing to breathe. So, I'll only post a little bit.

One of the things I have continually been grateful for at Candler is the worship life in the community. It is a gift to worship two or three times a week with your friends, classmates, and professors. It is a gift to share with them in gathering around the table and breaking bread, knowing that is what sustains you...more than any knowledge you could ever formulate in a paper or exam. Lately, I've been just trying to relish being with this community in worship. I'll probably have more to say about that later, but for now, I'll just post words to a hymn we sang recently at the Sacred Worth Sending Forth worship service:

You Are Mine

I will come to you in the silence, I will lift you from all your fear. You will hear my voice, I claim you as my choice, be still and know I am here.
I am hope for all who are hopeless, I am eyes for all who long to see. In the shadows of the night, I will be your light, come and rest in me.
I am strength for all the despairing, healing for the ones who dwell in shame. All the blind will see, the lame will all run free, and all will know my name.
I am the Word that leads all to freedom, I am the peace the world cannot give. I will call your name, embracing all your pain, stand up, now walk, and live!

Refrain: Do not be afraid I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me, I will bring you home; I love you and you are mine.

Thanks be to God for that kind of love and grace!

growing up

2008-03-28T20:38:00.003-04:00

so, today i was standing outside at school when my cousin walked out of one of our buildings. she works and studies at another university on the other side of town so i was obviously surprised to see her. it turns out she was teaching a class on campus this morning. it worked out that we both had an hour to spare (a delightful and rare thing for two graduate students at the end of the semester!), so we went and got a cup of coffee. we sat outside at a little table and talked.

now, our fathers are actually first cousins, so we are whatever that makes us. she's a year older than i am and we've grown up seeing each other once or twice a year and usually spending several days together at our family farm at thanksgiving. so, it's not like we actually spend all that much time together. we are very different in many ways...and a lot alike in a lot of ways that are, i suppose, more of a coincidence than anything else. but, who really knows about these things?

but, today, we sat outside for an hour or so and talked. we talked about the graduate degrees we are both just a month away from completing. we talked about the work we are each passionate about and the ways that work has recently come into reality. we each talked about the man we love. we looked back at the deep and abiding grief we have each experienced in the last few years. we talked about the amazing ways God is working in our lives and helping us grow in that pain and into abundant lives.

so, here we are. two women who somehow ended up as adults who have found our way to contentment and joy. it is a good day.

a glimpse into the mind of a rambler in the abstract

2008-03-12T15:43:00.003-04:00

so, i just took the husband to the airport. he was in town for a short visit because he, like my friend, had commissioning interviews. he was approved!!! HOORAY!!! it feels a little weird because this doesn't really change anything for our lives. because he's working outside of our annual conference and not in a United Methodist setting, his job isn't an appointable position. basically, he's choosing to postpone an appointment in a local church to finish his commitment to the retreat center where he works. so, nothing really changes for him...or me...until spring of 2010 when we finish in Virginia and come back to Georgia. which is a little weird and anti-climactic. he's been waiting for a lot of years for the affirmation of his call to ministry that came from that committee yesterday. and it is huge. but nothing really changes.

i'm starting to realize, though, that this is more of what life will feel like now. we've kind of moved through a lot of the stage of life where every single thing is a big life determining decision that will change your life path. okay, so maybe it's not always that huge, but when you're choosing a college, or job, or place to live, or grad program, etc., it feels that big. and choosing a life partner for this adventure IS that big! we've narrowed our life path a bit by choosing each other, choosing theology school, the husband choosing ordination. it feels like we've climbed some of the big mountains and finally reached a plateau.

sure, we will both continue to grow and change. a lot. sure, the people journeying with us will grow and change...and sometimes leave...and sometimes new people will join our crowd. we will hopefully decide one of these days or years to have a child and that will dramatically change everything about our life, too. but, some things are rooted now in what they always will be.

i got to see an old friend the other night...someone i loved very much, but haven't seen in six years. it was crazy to think about where i was then, at 21, just about to graduate from college, and where i am now, about to turn 28. so much has happened, yet, when it all comes back around, i'm still me. maybe i've grown up a little and learned a couple of things, but one of the things i've learned is to love who i am...and was then...a lot more...and that i'm really not going to change all that much.

i think i've gone to rambling now. what i'm trying to say is that i spent so much of my life feeling like someday would come and things would be so very different. but, it turns out that someday is right now just as much as it is still out there and things get very different in tiny little steps...and, at the same time, stay very much the same. and, i guess that's what it is to be grown up...living those little steps, looking back, looking forward, and living the right now.

so, pondering all of this, on the way home from the airport, glad to be in Atlanta with my friends, sad to send the husband back to Virginia, and simultaneously missing our happy house and the beasts there, i stopped to get ice cream (what other logical choice was there?!?). i walked up to the window and there was me, a man in khakis and a polo with gray hair, and a man in a suit. we all stopped...no kids...by ourselves...just some grown ups, living responsible grown up lives, who want a waffle cone every now and then. i kept thinking to myself: this is it. this is life. people in our lives get old and get sick. people we love have horrible struggles in their lives and we can't save them. big, life vocation decisions are made about our futures. new babies are on the way and children grow up and get cuter every day. medical tests and surgeries loom large on our horizons. we laugh with friends and miss the folks who aren't here anymore.

but, sometimes, we stop for ice cream and sit and enjoy the sunshine on our faces. i think i could get used to this grown up thing after all.

the women gather...

2008-03-11T07:38:00.003-04:00

being here, in Atlanta, while the husband is in Virginia most of the time means that i am with my women friends a lot. i mean A LOT. and for that i am abundantly grateful!

one of my dearest friends was approved for commissioning yesterday*. so, we gathered to celebrate. it didn't have to be fancy, just sitting the living room in our apartment, hearing the story of the day and laughing together. it was simple and wonderful.

i was reminded yet again what a gift this group of women is in my life. if things hadn't gone so well for my friend yesterday, we would have gathered to support her. it's simple...being together...feeding each other...food for our bodies...and nourishment for our souls...listening, sharing, and walking together.

there's so much on the table right now in the lives of the women i love...huge life and vocational decision, new jobs, upcoming moves to a variety of states, graduations, relationships in their joyful and fun times and relationships in their hard and sad times, struggles and joys with families, raising children or thinking about having children, planning weddings or considering the possibility of that life commitment. so much piled on our table when we gather.

yet, it doesn't have to be much. we just sit together, eat together, walk together, and journey with each other on this crazy adventure of our lives.

and, thanks be to God for that!!!

*in our United Methodist system, that means she went through yet another set of interviews (after writing and turning in probably close to 100 pages of answers to questions about theology and ministry...and a Bible study...and videos of a sermon) and, in June, will enter the probationary status of pastor. our ordination process is a long one, but this is the next to last step before being ordained and she now functions the same as an ordained pastor in the local church.
(you can read this wise woman's blog at Ministry: That's Hot...the link is in the sidebar!)

celebrating being enough

2008-02-24T16:04:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about an amazing woman in my life. We have journeyed through life together for a long time now. And right now, she is celebrating five years of sobriety(five years and one month, to be more exact!). That is such a big accomplishment!

I respect her and cherish our relationship immensly. Her journey into sober life led her to a deep and authentic faith...to integrity and truth speaking that are lifegiving for those around her...and to compassion and empathy that hold hope for even the most broken of us all. She lives boldly and loves fiercly.

This woman has held me up when I could not stand on my own and has loved me through the deepest darkness I have known. She knows me as well as anyone on the planet and loves me anyway. This woman has also known betrayal and heartache, lies and seemingly hopeless relationships. I watch her learning and practicing self-care in relationships that are painful, but always seeking to see the goodness in the other person. She has changed her life, continues to work at that change, and holds out hope and grace for other people who need it. Her journey in Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me about taking responsibility for yourself and truly supporting other people as we all try to find our way in this world.

This Lent, I am keenly aware of journeying alongside this dear friend. In this season of repentance, which literally means "turning around", I find myself being challenged by the witness of her life. She openly admits her brokenness, her struggles, and that she daily teeters on the brink of falling away from what she knows to be true and best for her.

And I believe this vulnerability is a big part of being created in the image of God. I don’t think I usually know exactly what that means, but journeying with her challenges me…to see my friend, myself, and others as God sees us…all of us surrounded by God’s love. She inspires me to want to seek and offer forgiveness more often…to try to be more full of grace for others and myself…to sit with people in their pain and love them, because that’s the best thing I have to offer. I have been reminded recently, though, that these are not things I am good at, nor are they things that will come easily in my life...or maybe in anyone's life, for that matter.

Standing with this strong woman makes me want to stand up and say…Hi. My name is Anjie and I’m human. And wow am I ever broken! And I'm doing the best I can. I'll try to remember that you are, too.

And, my Lenten prayer is that, for God and the people in my life, that's enough.

(You can read this wonderful woman's blog at Like the wrench and the cracker...the link is in the sidebar!)

are you still out there?

2008-02-18T23:08:00.004-05:00

Hi y'all! For the one or two of you who check this regularly, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I'm back in Atlanta to finish my last semester of seminary. It is altogether too busy and I'm quite sure there is no way I could finish if I hadn't had the gift of sabbath all fall. More about that later, probably, but I am feeling really good...really happy about my life in most ways...really comfortable and happy in my own skin. I think the sabbath time really helped with that.

I hope I'll be able to write more often soon, but each week gets busier than I think it will. So, we'll see. Thanks for your patience...and, if you're reading this...not giving up hope that I might someday write something remotely interesting again.

happy epiphany!

2008-01-06T15:47:00.000-05:00

the husband just installed a new light fixture in our dining room. i am very impressed with these new skills of his! mad skills, some might say. :)

the fixture is one of those shape it however you want kinds from ikea and we decided on a spiral. spirals have significance for me and i am thrilled to have one casting light on the place where we gather to break bread with the people we love. cheers for the husband...for his gifts of making our home an even better place to live.

i just thought that was worth sharing...especially on this day of celebrating light.

moments of light

2008-01-03T13:59:00.000-05:00

happy new year everyone! we celebrated new years with a couple of friends here in virginia. it was a beautiful, clear and cold night. about 1am we went out to the observatory. the husband facilitates retreat groups using the observatory all the time, but i haven't spent much time out there yet. so, in the middle of the night, the four of us went to see what we could see. it was wonderful...we saw mars, the pleiades (or seven sisters) star cluster (but there are actually more like 30 stars we could see...not just 7), a nebula, and then, saturn! it was pretty wonderful.

but, even more amazing was just looking up at the night sky. we were on a hill on a very dark and clear night and there were more stars than you could imagine! the longer you looked up, the more stars you could see. as your eyes kept adjusting, even more stars came into view...tiny ones...minuscule dots of light becoming more clear. then, what astounded me were the stars that just almost came into view beyond those. i'd start to see the faint glimmer of stars that were out there, but not really in sight...almost like you could see where they would be if you could see them. then, a shooting star would catch my eye and i'd be drawn back in to all that was so breathtaking in plain view.

i'm not sure that begins to do justice to the awe i felt in some of the first moments of this year, but i hope it is a sign...of things i've learned this past year and things to come this year. i hope i've really learned more about sitting still, letting my eyes adjust, and seeing the glory and blessings that are at my doorstep. i hope i will be able to keep praying, keep watching, and keep waiting, looking where the light is just out of view and waiting for the goodness it will bring. i hope i will be caught off guard and left breathless by the beauty of the unexpected light shooting across my path.

wrapped up in the support, abundant generosity, and love of family and friends, we have already had a good start to this year. i think it will continue to be a good one.

the comforter has come...

2007-12-25T07:35:00.000-05:00

We went to two Christmas Eve services last night. This is the first Christmas in eight years that I haven't been working at a church and the first Christmas since we got married that we both haven't been working at a church. So, it was fairly exciting to get to choose where to worship. We went with my mom and sister to the church where I grew up for one service and then went to the church where we are members for eleven o'clock service with one of our brothers (my in-law, technically). Both were very good worship services full of good music. Both were full of comforting and familiar things and full of people that I love.

The first service, at the church where I grew up, was comforting to me in many ways. Like I said, it was the first time in a long time...and the first time since my dad died...that I'd been there for Christmas Eve. Lots of familiar faces and a place that once felt as much like home as my own house. I could feel in my core the resonance of my formation in that place. These are the people, the music and choir, the costumes (or drama ministry), the place and space...the theology...that shaped who I am.

It turned out I had a lot of questions and some skepticism about all of the details of how things are done at that church and at other churches like that. It is not the kind of church I seek out for my own worship and community life and spiritual formation. But, all of that said, it was good, good, good to be there last night. And it was very good to be there with my sister who, for very different reasons, understands what I'm feeling.

Then, we went to the church where we are currently members, where jeans are a welcome and accepted part of the life of the community, where organ, piano, and guitar were all parts of the service, where everyone greets with a hug, and where the altar was laid for a feast. It was casual and a very chill time together. There was communion and prayer at the altar. There was lots of hugging afterwards and laughter. It was life-giving.

The wise preacher, an amazing young woman, preached about change. How, at this season when we want traditions and familiarity and things to be like every Christmas that we have loved and held dear for years, what we are actually celebrating is the most profound change. Not a change that happens or happened in a moment, but the transformative change that God brings when entering life with us always.

It was a good message for this girl to hear this Christmas. It turns out a lot has changed since the days I sang in the choir with my mom and sister on Christmas Eve. Our family has changed, our homes have changed, our whole lives have changed...my theology and understanding and ways of seeking God in life have changed. And it is all good.

What was...was very, very good. What is...is very, very good. What will be...well, I trust that this same God who has led us this far will continue to burst into our world with wonderful things.

May the light...God with us...shine in your life, too.

Peace and Merry Christmas!

love it?...like it?...or not.

2007-12-21T12:18:00.000-05:00

we went to cold stone last night. to get ice cream. one might wonder why ice cream sounded like a good idea when it was 25 degrees outside, but i was consoled that we weren't the only crazy fools in there!

however, the sales clerk/ice cream scooper guy...wow. that's all i can say. first, as we are pondering the infinite choices available in our ice cream creations, he asks if we have any allergies. still looking at the flavor and topping choices, we say no, no allergies. suddenly, tiny spoons with unidentified flavors are shoved in our faces. the husband gets dark chocolate peppermint (which, yes, we were both eyeing, but had not asked for) and i got some kind of coconut sorbet thing...which i did NOT ask for or really enjoy. however, it seemed rude to just drop the little spoon into the used spoon bucket with ice cream still on it. then, injecting himself too much into our conversation, he shoved the dark chocolate peppermint at me, too. granted, i was going to ask for it...but i was going to ask for it anyway. and, being the eco-guilt ridden person that i am, i didn't want to waste one little plastic spoon in the first place...much less a second when i already knew what i wanted. and, i didn't ask for his help. blech.

so, the husband and i made our orders and when i ordered the chocolate the oh-so-helpful ice cream guy said he liked the "white one" better. i went into kind of evasive, minimal small talk until we could get the heck out of that store! i deflected every suggestion he made, but he kept trying to engage. he said something like "i think your order could be even better if you added peanut butter." i said something like "um, don't you dare, crazy ice cream man." well, it was something more like "hmm. that sounds interesting. but, i think i'll stick to chocolate today." then, he got this crazy gleam in his eyes and mumbled "oh, but i like to dream up new creations and let you try them." then, he handed me my ice cream...with yet ANOTHER mini-spoon with peanut butter on it stuck in the top!!!

it still felt rude to throw the little spoon away with the peanut butter on it...but, i did consider throwing it AT him! i mean, i didn't. but, i was ticked about the assault on my ice cream. though, it seems like this guy loves his job. the husband said he wants people to love their jobs...just not that much. maybe this is just what i get for wanting ice cream when it's 25 degrees outside.

living in excited and hopeful expectation!

2007-12-18T10:30:00.000-05:00

it's been a good advent for us this year. not having full time school to provide the chaos of finals has allowed us to do all the things we want to do and really enjoy the season. our little united methodist church here has done advent up right. the husband has been happy because we've sung "People Look East" at the close of every service, which is a wonderful advent hymn and one of his all time favorite hymns ever!

last night we went with friends and co-workers to a walk through christmas lights display at a park. it was fun and the united way had sponsored a section with lasers and led lights that were set to music...fun for all, i tell you! the only weird part, for us, was that it was 25 degrees outside...and then a little windy on top of that.

another night recently we went with some friends to a drive through nativity put on by a nazarene church. it was well done with live animals and angels in earmuffs and everything. i commend those folks, though, because it was really cold that night, too...and we were having more wind gusts up to 50 miles an hour! we were a little worried the little angels standing on a platform above the shepherds might just fly away!

also, i've been telling folks who can't get up to visit that i'll post some pictures of christmas decorations. so, here are a few.

some of the red balls on our tree are actually tomatoes. i love them and i like having them on our tree because, if you've ever met the husband, you'll know he's a fresh tomato fiend! he plants at least three or four kinds each year.

these are part of the nativity my maternal grandmother painted. she gave me her nativity before she died, so i cherish it. we actually have 6 nativities up, i think. in one of them, the baby jesus has toes that show...i love it.

did i mention that there were 3 camels...live camels...at the nativity the other night? one of them was white, just like this one, actually. very cool animals!

these lights came from my grandma's attic when she moved earlier this year. they are from the days when my grandfather brought home lots of fun christmas decorations. (he died in '74, so they date from before then.) they're obviously not usable as actual lights anymore, but i tied them with ribbon and they are fun in our kitchen.

these, like the lights, are from my grandma's attic. i guess i'm just happy to be able to use and enjoy things that used to decorate my grandparents' and dad's house. (and the bowl they are in was handmade by a friend of the husband's family from oxford, ga.)

also, for those of you who remember the spinning wheel from my folks' house, we've got it now, and it's full of christmas cards. that's fun, too.

anyway, thanks for reading through that kind of random tour of our house.

um...also...a herd (is that what you'd call it? no, a flock, right?) of wild turkeys just wandered through the woods behind our house. seriously. like 30 of them. weird. they looked more like a herd of something.

so, um, now i'm totally thrown off and forgot however i was going to end this. so, enjoy the rest of advent! maybe i'll post something less self-indulgent later. but, thanks for looking at our christmas decorations that we love.

four more to go...but not until the end of january!

2007-12-08T09:25:00.000-05:00

so, i've finished my fifth to last graduate school class and for that i am very, very grateful! now there is time to focus on all the fun parts of december! i still don't understand why, but i am incapable of being both a functioning human being and a functioning grad student at the end of a semester. this is why we have YET to send Christmas cards since we've been married! and i hate that. but, i just can't get it together to do finals and fun christmas stuff all at the same time. this time wasn't so bad, because i only had one class, but it still basically imobilized me for over a week. we did get a christmas tree and a few decorations up and now there's time for all sorts of fun things!

also, since i'm feeling so giddy, i thought i'd share a picture of something i woke up to find recently:

and every time i'd try to take a picture of it, the mini-beast would come sit proudly beside it.

i like to think of it as some kind of modern art installation the mini-beast was trying to offer us. something decrying the luxurious comforts of modern day America...or maybe it's a simplistic piece illustrating the feline power over paper goods.

he clearly worked hard and was quite proud of this endeavor. for this to happen, the mini-beast had to jump straight up on the kitchen counter (which he knows is off limits and that he was risking an encounter with the dreaded squirt bottle...the only thing he fears), had to push the paper towel roll off the counter, and then drag or wrestle it a good ten yards into the living room. there was no mess between the kitchen and living room, so he kindly got it all to the living room in one piece and then shredded the living daylights out of it! all to leave such...art?...for us to stumble upon early in the morning.

what can i say? he's a self-sacrificing cat.

i'm dreaming of a white advent...

2007-12-05T13:20:00.000-05:00

that's what the husband was singing this morning. and, lo, it began to snow!

this apparently isn't that exciting to folks who have seen snow a lot, but it is exciting to us! and, because gracious, kind friends gave me their hand me down digital camera...and, because the husband just found the cord to connect the camera to the computer...and, because it's SNOWING!...you get to see some pictures.

this is the beast running around like this snow is the most exciting thing EVER! well, he acts like that a lot...especially the four or five times a day he goes outside. but, he found the snow especially invigorating, i think.

this is the mini-beast trying to brave the snow. i think he enjoyed it, but he didn't want to stay outside for very long.

happy advent!

2007-12-03T13:17:00.000-05:00

or, not so happy sometimes, as it turns out. the beloved buildings and grounds supervisor at my home church was killed in a tragic accident on friday. also, my pastor's mother in law passed away here in virginia on saturday night. both our worship service and the service at my home church had to hold the tension on sunday between the joyful decorations and excitement about advent and the grief felt in the loss of these two members of the church family. but, that's the point, isn't it? the point of advent, i mean. to realize and live in the tension of our reality: that the world is broken and full of grief and that, for just that reason, God choose to become one of us, among us, in the midst of this broken world...and that Christ offers the only real hope we can cling to.

i've written several devotions, prayers, etc. for advent this past week. one of them is below and feels all too true this week. (some of my church friends from atlanta may see these words in another setting soon, too.)

Since we’ve been up here in Virginia, I’ve been surprised how much more I notice the weather, the seasons, the natural world around us. I realize I’ve been noticing the cycles of the moon. I guess it’s hard not to. There are two houses on the hill where we live, with woods behind the houses and acres and acres of rolling hills of meadows in front of the houses. Each house has two outside lights, but they don’t begin to illumine the entire hill. When the moon is not out, you have to use a flashlight at night. But, when the moon is full and the sky is clear, you don’t need a flashlight. You can see everything.

So, in the cycles of darkness and no moon…and especially if the moonlight week of the month gets clouded out, I find myself wandering around at night wondering when the light is coming. The artificial light from the houses, even from my flashlight doesn’t help the same way. I need the real light. It makes the night less scary. In fact, it turns a dark hill full of mysterious shadows and unusual noises that go bump in the night a beautiful scene that will take your breath away.

For me, Advent is about the same thing…wondering why it is always so dark and wondering when the light is coming. We live in a world that is altogether too dark. We know the darkness in our personal lives…in broken relationships, in the addictions that hold us or the ones we love captive, in the pervasive wave of cancer that impacts everyone we know somehow, in abusive situations we can’t stop, in the horrible things that happen to people we love that we can’t explain or fix…we know that darkness. We know the darkness in our communities and in our world…in the reality of folks too numerous to count who are hungry and cold and become invisible, in the despair of God’s creation that is wounded and crying out, in the horrors of wars that seem to have no end…we know the darkness all too well. Too often, we find ourselves surrounded by pain, sadness, anger, and fear.

So, we’re told to fill our lives with artificial light to ease the discomfort. We buy things we think will make us happy, we eat or drink more to “take the edge off”, we live continually searching for what will ease the pain and bring light into our lives. But, it’s not the same. We still have a sense of something missing.

And then…then…we see it, the tiniest glimmer of a star through a hole in the clouds. We are reminded that there is real light. We may not see it very brightly all the time, but this Advent, we remember, the Light of the World came long ago in Bethlehem and we know this same Light, the Creator, Redeemer, and Sustainer of all that is will come again. We hear John’s words again:

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through him, and without him no one thing came into being. What has come into being in him was life, and the life was the light of all people. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it. John 1:1-5

As we enter this Advent, carrying with us the pain and sadness our broken world brings, we also celebrate the joy because we know the darkness will not win. Light has come among us. Light is coming. And Light will come again. It will be breathtaking.

finals time...

2007-11-30T18:39:00.000-05:00

so, it's finals time. i'm only taking one class this semester, but it has an intense final and a final paper. those are the only two grades for the class, so i figure i ought to study hard for the final and write a pretty kickin' paper. i'm trying to intersperse finals stuff with fun stuff, so i'm watching a little West Wing here and there, doing a little decorating for Christmas, cooking good dinners (or appreciating the husband cooking good dinners), organizing my craft space, and hanging out with friends. oh...and tomorrow i'm going to a Christmas parade nearby. and i get to go give the devotional at the camp committee meeting tomorrow and then be the liturgist at a church service tomorrow night. i'm also writing a couple of advent devotions. it's good to have things other than just school going on.

some kind and generous friends recently gave me their hand me down digital camera and i am very, very grateful (though they keep making a point to tell me how crappy it is!). so, i hope to figure out how to download my pictures and have some funny stories up for you soon with photos! we'll see...that might have to wait until after this exam and the paper are done.

only one more semester of school! god willing! anyway, more interesting posts to come soon.

predictable, but true.

2007-11-21T23:31:00.000-05:00

this is what you'd expect...a bit of gratitude...for...

a good, beautiful, comfortable and comforting, breath-taking, and faith renewing place to live...a wonderful and crazy dog and cat who love to wrestle in the field in front of our house...learning to make cheese...making bread...frozen vegetables in our freezer from our garden and the farms of growers near us...a sister who travels a long, long way to visit...new homes and new beginnings for family i love...cheesy movies that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...good, soul-filling music...brothers who give me hope for the future of the world...funny people like Stephen Colbert and John Stewart who help me remember to laugh--and speak truth...friends and family who know me and love me even though they know me so well...friends who help me laugh and celebrate life...family who hold each other up when it feels like the world might split at the seams...warm blankets...fresh water to drink...shared organs...deep, deep, solid roots and the opportunity to try growing new branches...a kind, generous, and very cute husband who holds his arms out to catch me when i'm spinning, sits quietly with me when life is hard, dances around with me and always makes me laugh, and walks beside me always holding my hand as we find our way on this journey...

...and a loving God whose goodness and peace passes my understanding, but holds me up even so.

what are you thankful for this year?

another good day

2007-11-12T09:55:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the third anniversary of my dad's death.

And, yesterday was actually a very good day. We spent the whole day with people I love and enjoy. We started out the day with friends and Waffle House, then we went to our church here in Atlanta and heard a wonderful and thought provoking sermon by a guest preacher. Then, we went to the husband's parents' house for an extended family dinner which was great fun and had great food! Then, we went to my grandma's house to have dinner with my family...and experienced good company and more good food! Then, we went and spent a little bit of time with other friends. So, it was a good day.

One of the points of the sermon was that sometimes things are over and new, but more uncertain things are at hand. In those times we can trust that the God who is with us in our comfortable places will also be with us in our new uncomfortable places. It was very appropriate and good to hear yesterday, specifically, and just at this point in my life. It's time to claim and accept some endings and to look forward to where God is leading me now. I'm fast approaching the end of my graduate degree. It's time to start looking to what might be next in my vocation. We believe God called us to go to Virginia, which means ending our time in Atlanta for now. It's time to see what God is calling us to in Virginia and learn and experience as much as we can while we are there. We are aware daily that we are drawing nearer and nearer to wanting to add a child to our life...and we are aware daily of all the endings and changes that will be connected to that addition. Yesterday was an anniversary of a painful ending in my life. I'm still learning how to heal and seek God in that ending. I'm continually trying to be open to the ways that healing will nurture me and help new things to grow in my life.

So, yesterday I made a point to listen to a song that helps me lately (World Spins Madly On by the Weepies--I highly recommend the Weepies!), got to receive a sermon that helped me remember to look forward with God, received repeated messages of support and nurture from friends who love me, and got to be with family and friends that I love. I got a little teary a couple of times both when I remembered how much I miss my dad and when I remembered how I am surrounded by the love and goodness of God if I'll just let myself accept it.

So, really, that's about what I need every day and would certainly be better for having each day. While November 11 will always be the day my dad died, that truth is just part of life now...and it's a good day to remember to live a good life.

trying to pay attention

2007-11-07T10:22:00.001-05:00

i'm back in Atlanta this week...just to visit. and i'm having a great time hanging out with friends and family! i'm trying to square up details to come back and finish my last semester of grad school.

and...

while i'm here, i'm noticing i'm missing our house and parts of my daily life in Virginia. i've said all along that if we could live where we live, the job could stay the same and we could magically move it just 4 hours away from Atlanta, i'd be thrilled! so, that's not new. what is new is that i've come to feel very at home and comfortable in our new place. i like it there. it is good for my soul.

and i still wish my friends and family were closer. but, it's good to realize that our house is starting to feel like home.

if anyone can figure out ways to apparate or teleport or some other way to deny the space/time continuum, let me know. i might be able to have the best of both worlds! :)

i'd like to have a few words with them...

2007-10-31T14:34:00.000-04:00

so, it's a beautiful day here today. i went with a friend and her one year old son to pick apples. the sky is blue, the sun is shining, the leaves are red and orange and gold and it's just glorious to be outside.

so, i'm driving down the country road to meet them at the orchard, enjoying the window down, and thinking that this life in the country can be pretty fun. then, i switch the radio from NPR to the Christian station. then, suddenly, i realize i'm listening to...CHRISTMAS MUSIC!!!!!!!

warning: ranting below!

before i could change the station, the song ended and a station announcement came on about playing Christmas music from now until, of course, Christmas day. it turns out this is an "evangelism tool" and not only will we be hearing Christmas music for the next two months, but we will occasionally hear "secular" holiday songs which serve as "hooks" for those who don't usually listen to Christian radio. because, as they helpfully pointed out, people are "more receptive" to hear about "spiritual things" around the "holiday season." which apparently starts now.

so, i'd like to say a few things to the Christian radio station...(well, to you, because they are probably not reading this.)

first, for the church, the Christmas season starts on Christmas and goes until Epiphany (Jan. 6). we believe that season leading up to Christmas, that time of preparation, is really, really important. so important...and different...we make it a separate season altogether: advent. it's a season of waiting expectantly. it is a season of sitting in the darkness, knowing that the light is coming. it is a season of remembering and reliving the coming of Christ the first time because we believe we are waiting for Christ to come again...and looking, hopefully, toward that time when the chaos, pain, and darkness of this world will be made right. it's an important time. it's something that no one else is talking about how to do. if Christians want to provide a witness in the world during the "holiday season," this is a great one to offer!

second, the folks who started making this the holiday season already are the stores. the commercial season of Christmas has been extended to convince us to buy more stuff so they can make more money. this isn't about Jesus. i fear that the more that organizations bearing the name of Christians buy into this, the more we are supporting the secularization and commercialization of Christmas.

also, it's OCTOBER!!! i mean, i'm all about listening to Christmas music before Christmas. while, i find it very, very important to celebrate advent, i will start listening to Christmas music early...but not until after Thanksgiving!

okay...just one more thing...while i'm upset with the Christian radio station. there is more to our faith than "encouragement" and "safety." i could rant about that for a while, but i'll stop.

i really do like listening to some of the music on the Christian radio station. however, i won't be listening again until at least after Thanksgiving.

aaahhh!

2007-10-26T14:12:00.000-04:00

it's raining. it's been raining for 3 days now and there are flood warnings for our county. it's wonderful. you can almost literally see the earth and the trees and all the animals saying a collective "aaahhh!" well, now the sheep down the street from us are starting to look a little soaked, but i think they are still happy.

i think this change inspired me. something did. i've been working on getting things done...things i've been meaning to do since i got here in august. maybe i just needed to rest, but now the rain has energized me.

i've put a new doorknob on our front door. (the cat had learned how to open the other one, which was more of a handle than a knob, and could let himself...and the dog if he was feeling kind...out into the wild outdoors. now, his devious plans have been foiled! take that you sneaky cat!)

i cleaned out and organized the garage. there are still a couple of things left to deal with, but we are much, much closer to being able to put both cars in the garage. it occurred to me sometime recently that the garage isn't just for fun or just fabulous extra storage. it is actually going to get cold here sooner than later...and it will snow at some point. and then it will be important to be able to fit both cars in the garage. but, now, that will be possible. go me.

i've found homes for all the things that were sitting in the garage waiting for a home.

i've finally unpacked our art and extra frames and laid it out on the dining room table so we can figure out where to hang it all...and finally hang some things on our walls! i got our cloth wall hangings up this summer with the help of a couple of friends who were visiting. (one of these was the same friend who laid on our kitchen counters to install lights under the cabinets for me when we first moved in. he's a good guy!) we've also a hung a mirror those same friends made us recently. but, that's it. it's time. we're here to stay for a while...i'd like our art to fill this place now.

if it keeps raining for a few more days, who knows what else i could accomplish! back to work!

let the rains come...please

2007-10-23T16:59:00.000-04:00

it looks like it might rain. the weather channel is saying it will rain. the clouds have hung around all day. it just might rain. we need it. everyone needs it. my hometown of atlanta needs it...badly.

the other day a woman told me about taking her kids to see the reservoir that serves their town. you can see the bottom of it in most places. it's full of mud more than water. the kids got it. they stopped running extra water. there's a dad in the area that has apparently taken to timing his kids' showers. 5 minutes. he gives you a two minute warning. friends of our from church are taking their laundry to the laundromat in the town that is not running out of water...because their well is close to being dry. then, they won't have any water at their house. at all.

i think we don't usually understand the power of calling Christ the water of life...that never runs dry. folks who would've walked a ways to get water and then carried it back to their homes to drink and bathe and clean would've understood how important water is.

maybe we will, too.

strong women...

2007-10-19T20:46:00.000-04:00

today is my grandmother's birthday. i've also spent the week helping with the preparations for the annual festival in the village where we go to church. there are events going on all over the village and the church is having several fundraising events: a tag sale, a bake sale, a craft sale, and has a sit down lunch for folks where church folks wait tables. so, i've gotten to spend every morning this week (and most of the day today) down at the church getting ready. this has been great fun because well, it's been the first week since i've been here that i've been busy and i've been able to get to know folks at the church better.

and, let's be honest, for better or worse, almost all of the people at the church getting ready for this big festival day are women...more than that, women who have flexibility enough to be at the church during the day. i know the men are doing things...three or four have popped in or dropped something off or taken the garbage out or something. and i know they've built nearly all of the furniture in the church and do the repairs, etc. but, it seems pretty clear that the women are running this show. just this week i have watched or helped these women set up tables and arrange all the furniture in the fellowship hall to accommodate lunch for everyone, set up and sort and price all the craft items (that they've made...i was excited to contribute some things, too), set up the tag sale, and cook and cook and cook: gallons and gallons of turkey salad, ham salad, potato salad and coleslaw...and over 30 pies! (of course, the pie crusts are made from scratch!) everything is all set up now for an assembly line tight ship when we get there to serve lunch to all those folks. everyone will have all the supplies they need in their designated areas because these women have it all together.

these women have a plan. they have a job for anyone willing to help. they are supportive and encouraging. they laugh. they tell stories. they care about doing things well. they care about each other's people. they care about each other.

sometime yesterday morning...it may have been when i was halfway up to my elbows mixing coleslaw...i realized that, in some way, this is how i was having my own little celebration of my grandma's birthday. see, this is the first year i've been so far away for things like birthdays and i really would've rather gone out to dinner tonight with my mom and grandma than have to mail a package with her present. so, i realized that instead of being able to be there with her, i had just surrounded myself with strong, capable women who cook really well...just like my grandma.

being in the kitchen at the church is a bit like being in the kitchen at our family farm with grandma and her sisters, working around the kitchen table. it's best to offer to help, do what you can see to do to help if you haven't been given a specific job and, otherwise, stay out of their way because they have the dance of that kitchen down to an art. unlike the women at the church, though, these sisters can often finish each other's sentences and it's as though they can read each other's minds...especially when cooking (or fishing, for that matter). their love for each other is palpable in the room and they all laugh more when they are together. it is a good, good thing to be in the presence of such relationships.

it's also a good idea, when you're in the kitchen, to listen. you'll learn a lot. of course, they care a lot about what you have to say and will ask all kinds of questions about your life. but, in the kitchen at the farm...or at my grandma's house with just her...you can learn all kinds of things. about cooking, about fixin' things, about the way things were, and about family...being family and family heritage that is passed down and made real by the stories they tell...connections to great, great, great grandparents i would never have even known of otherwise.

well, maybe that doesn't seem like much to other folks or sound very exciting...but i cherish the relationships i've had with my great-aunts and uncles and am so grateful for my grandmother's help in staying connected. i'm grateful they are all connected. i just think that kind of heritage and, for that matter, close relationships with extended family are all too rare in our busy, busy world.

and, these women, stronger than anyone can know, have taught me a lot...about staying in touch, about keeping faith, about laughing together, about holding it together for each other when things seem to be falling apart, and about building relationships around the table...i'm not sure Jesus gathered folks around the kitchen table, exactly, for that supper, but i know it's a pretty sacred place in our kitchen...and the Spirit is definitely present.

so, i'm glad for all these strong women and i hope i can learn from them. and, on this day, especially, i am very grateful for you, grandma, and for all the strength and love you share with me. happy birthday.

crazy country sighting...

2007-10-13T23:27:00.000-04:00

i had a really nice morning today. we went to the local farmer's market in the town nearby and got food for the week. lots of the farmers/growers will stop coming soon, though this market is open every saturday year round. but, since it is the end of the primary growing season, they are selling things by the box. so, we stocked up and i'm going to attempt some freezing and canning this week. we'll see.

then we went to a "town-wide tag sale" at another, smaller town nearby. i've recently learned that tag sale is something like yankee-ese for what we southerners call a yard sale. i'm intrigued by the geographical lingo in this arena and who claims what: yard, garage, rummage, and now tag. anyway...it was fun to walk around, though we didn't find much we needed or wanted. there was a castle shaped bundt cake pan that looked like it could provide some birthday fun, but i wasn't willing to commit to moving it when it comes time to do that again. (if we're going to keep moving like we have been, i'm going to have to LOVE everything i have to pack and unpack...a lot!)

but, the strange part of the day was on the way home from these small town adventures. we were driving on one of the paved, but unlined country roads near our house. we came up behind someone riding their horse on the road...this is fairly common on a nice day. we slowed down so we could pass without scaring the horse or rider and waved as we passed. it was then that we realized the man was talking on his cell phone. riding his horse and talking on his cell phone. and we don't even get decent cell reception on these roads! it was just weird.

(for our UM friends) this siting prompted a lengthy conversation about how John Wesley would have utilized technology of the 21C if he'd had access to it. we think he definitely would have talked on his cell or even texted while on horseback. we also think he would have blogged.

what will the wind bring?

2007-10-12T09:31:00.000-04:00

so, after a couple of weeks of hot, summer-like weather in the 90's, it's finally gotten cooler up here. it finally feels like fall. and it has been very, very windy. the beast and mini-beast seem excited. the beast is sensing new smells everywhere. the mini-beast is maybe excited, maybe a little scared of this wind...his running around like a crazy person, jumping off the mantle, and wrestling with the beast could be symptomatic of joy or fear. it's hard to tell.

the wind makes me wonder what will happen...in this change of seasons...like maybe mary poppins will float over the next hill any moment now. it's exciting.

8 year olds are so wise

2007-10-08T13:52:00.000-04:00

yeah, so i'm teaching Sunday School at our little Virginia church this month. i have the younger class which, the best i can figure, ranges from about age 3 (just one of those) to about age 9 (several of those). yesterday was my first day with them. i was new...i was no one's mom...i was interesting without having to say a word. i know that will only last one day, but i appreciated it while it lasted. and we had a good day.

yesterday was World Communion Sunday, so we talked about that and about what communion is and how common it is for people (all over the world) to eat some kind of bread every day...as a staple for their diet. (this gets to be an important fact when you tie it in with Jesus saying every time you eat bread, remember me...that means every time we eat...every day! that's important.)

but, the best part of the whole lesson, for me at least, was when we were talking about how Jesus is God.

me: so, do y'all know that Jesus is God? God became a human...just like us. Jesus is fully human and fully God.

them: a mixture of blank and thoughtful stares...

me: isn't that wild to think about? most people, even adults, even people who are paid to think about this all the time, even pastors can't really wrap their minds around that...but it's true. cool, huh?

C (an 8 or 9 year old girl): i knew God and Jesus were the same thing.

J (a 7 year old boy): yeah...but i thought Jesus was God's daddy...or is it the other way around.

me: yeah, we think about God as the parent and Jesus as the son...that's a way for us to get our minds around all of this...and they are also both God.

S (a very engaged 8 year old who has been thinking about this for a while): we are mammals. (and looks at me questioningly)

me: yes...(thinking through this as i speak)...and Jesus was human like us...so Jesus was a mammal, too...and God...all at the same time. crazy, huh?

J (the same 7 year old boy): gorillas are mammals.

me: yes, they are. God made a very good and cool creation.

so, i'm sure you're thinking "wow, that was one Sunday School lesson gone awry." but, that's not how i see it. one, i think that none of us really understand these big theological things, so it's important to talk about them in low key language with anyone who wants to listen, of any age, not dwell on them too much, and just keep talking about them over time. eventually, we all, at any age, realize our thoughts, prayers, belief, and selves are being shaped or reshaped by having this big stuff bouncing around in our brain...pondering the possibilities...pondering the bigness and just amazingness of who God is.

and, this wise 8 year old, and his 7 year old sidekick, have now added to my bigness ponderings. i've never thought of the Incarnation in terms of scientific classification before. if God chose to become human, to be like us, then Jesus Christ was a mammal just like us...and the apes. now, i'm not getting into the whole evolution debate...i'm just sayin'...maybe Jesus is closer to the apes than i've ever thought about before...

that's something to ponder...

our first friendship date...

2007-10-08T13:51:00.001-04:00

...well, that's what it felt like.

we went out on friday night with another couple. the wife just graduated from seminary and is working at a church nearby. we worship there sometimes at and evening service and see this couple. we're all new to town and don't have a lot of friends. we said one evening after church that we should get together sometime. finally, we were able to get together. they got a babysitter. i worried a little bit about what to wear. (really, it had been weeks since i'd been out on a friday night...and it's just not very often i need to worry about what i'm wearing up here...my life is pretty casual...i was pretty excited about going out.) on the way to the restaurant, we wondered about what they were like, what we'd be able to talk about...all the things you think about before a first date. then, towards the end of dinner there was the realization that there was time for another activity, and the semi-awkward questioning..."well, we know of this great place...well, i mean...if y'all want to do something else like get dessert or something." and, then, at the very end of the night, after the check was paid at the second stop place..."we just had a really great time." "oh, we did, too! we should really do this again." "we really should."

but, really, the night went well. we talked about all kinds of things. we enjoyed new company and we laughed together. we ate great food and they introduced us to two fabulous local establishments we didn't know about before.

but, still, like any first date, you wonder after you get home "did they mean it? will we really hang out again? or were they just being polite?"

so, really, it felt like a first date. which, i didn't really expect. but, we've not spent a lot of time outside of school or settings where we had a large circle of friends. so, even when we hang out with someone new, we already have some established connections or have at least one friend in common or something. this was different and new. and turned out to be good.

and, don't worry, we saw each other at church the next night and we all said again what a great time we had and how we'd really like to get together again. i believe it was genuine.

i think there will be a second date...and new friends.

In memory of Gandalf...

2007-10-03T10:26:00.000-04:00

...my sister's cat, not his namesake, the wizard.

I just got the news that Gandalf died this morning. Understandably, my sister is pretty sad about that. Those two loved each other a lot. Gandalf used to cry for her if she was out of town or even just later coming home than he expected. He also preferred for my sister to carry him around more like a child than a cat...you know, with his back end on her hip and his head and paws up on her shoulder...except he would put one paw on her back and one on the front of her shoulder...not like a cat at all, really. But, they were happy.

I'll have to consult with my mom or my sister, but I think he must have been 14 or 15 years old, so he's been a part of our lives for a long time now. And, this Gandalf was the second or third cat in my dad's life named Gandalf. Long, lean, and almost a bluish grey color, the name fit him well.

It is common knowledge that Gandalf and I had our disagreements. I did not always like the way he treated my clothes (spraying them when he felt like it) and he did not always like the way I interrupted his life by having clothes, I guess...or, for that matter, later a dog! But, I will say that in his later years he chilled out a lot and was more friendly.

But, much more importantly than what Gandalf and I thought of each other, the rest of my family loved him a lot. He provided companionship and moments of joy at different times to my mom, my dad, and especially my sister.

So, today I'm sad for my sister because she loves this cat very, very much. And, as much as I might hate to admit it, I'll miss Gandalf, too.

breathe...just breathe...

2007-10-01T21:46:00.000-04:00

It smells good here. Really...like all the time.

One of the first times I was up here (when we were learning about and considering this job), we realized it smelled like cinnamon. (Cue: "the cinnamon song" by the Decemberists for all our friends who have sung that song in full voice with us.) I still think I smell cinnamon sometimes. But, it almost always smells good (unless, of course, there has been a skunk trauma nearby...that's a different kind of smell).

It smells good and warm (and most often like cinnamon) in the sunshine. It smells good when it is about to rain, when it's raining, and especially just after it rains. It smells really good right now that it's getting cooler and all the smells seem to intensify. The Beast loves the smells...especially at night when it's getting cool. He is very excited about all the possibilities he smells in the meadow outside our house!

So, I find myself breathing deeply a lot...you kind of can't help yourself when it just smells so good! Apparently, breathing deeply is good for you. In crisis, in anger, in grief, in exercise...we're told to just remember to breathe. So, how much better must that be during times that aren't so emotionally or physically exhausting? We're even guided to breathe in prayer and meditation. We talk about the Holy Spirit being the breath of God.

So, then I start to think about song lyrics (like I do) about breathing...

...breathe, just breathe...
...breathe deep, breathe deep the breath of God...
...breathe on me, breathe of God...

I absolutely believe that God led us here, to this place...and it is a wonderful gift to have this time with little school, no required work, and lots of space and time. So, maybe this is good time to just breathe. Breathe and be. I'm not good at just being...so, it is good to remember that I don't have to be in crisis to take a deep breath...to just enjoy the rush of good air in my lungs...the good air that can refresh my soul as well as my body.

Breathing...just breathing...

nature...communing with it or something...

2007-09-30T16:21:00.000-04:00

So we live in the middle of a lot of nature now. Trees surround our house, which is not new to me. I was fortunate enough to live in a part of the city that had kept a lot of its big, old trees. There are rolling hills all around us and a creek kind of wraps around the property where we live. This is all beautiful. I think I've seen this countryside at least some in every season and it is always beautiful. I think the last few weeks have been especially gorgeous. Everything is lush and green and the skies are often bright blue. It gets cool at night and in the morning, fog rolls up off the creek and into the valleys between the hills.

But, this isn't entirely new. I grew up going to our family farm out in the country that is a different kind of beautiful, but definately beautiful.

What makes this place especially amazing, though, are the animals and birds...and reptiles, too, I guess. It feels like I regularly have interactions with them...or can recognize the relationship we share by sharing this land.

There are deer here all the time. There's a herd of about nine or so that live right around our house. There are several babies with this crowd that are just now starting to lose their spots. There are several females and a couple of bucks...one of them has a lot of points on his horns (I don't know what the lingo is for that, though). Sometimes they come right up close to the house and we can watch them through the windows. Sometimes they watch us through the windows, too. If I move past the window too fast or if our dog, the Beast, watches them for too long, they'll freeze and stare back at us. They don't always spook and run away...sometimes they just watch us, seeming to be as entranced as we are. The deer are absolutely beautiful creatures. And, did you know they change color in the fall? Their winter coats are slightly darker and more greyish brown than the bright reddish brown of summer. Smart creating.

There are also foxes here, but I haven't seen them too much lately. There is fox hunting in this area, though, so I would lay low, too, if I were a fox. We also have a lot of ground hogs...which are much larger than you might expect...and are kind of mean...and can climb trees (which you might not expect, given the ground feature in their name)...and, when startled, make a noise like a wild turkey. Welcome to Things You Probably Didn't Know About Groundhogs 101.

I'm also much more aware of how all this nature is cyclical and connected than I am in the city. For example, it's full moon time. The last few nights have been clear and beautiful and the moon is bright enough to cast shadows...not to mention bright enough to see by.

And, all of creation gets excited by it! The Beast and our cat, the Mini-Beast, have both basically been Mr. Sleepless in the Full Moon and completely wired. The dog will whine in the middle of the night to go out (which he doesn't usually do) and then just want to wander around and play when we get outside. The deer have been wandering around all night, too. We can hear them walking in the woods behind our house much later than usual. The coyotes (which we hear, but never see) had a FIT last night...yipping and hollering at each other for twenty minutes straight.

The owls have also showed up...and been loud the last few nights. Maybe hunting is easier in the moonlight? Maybe it's mating season for owls? Who knows?!? But, the Beast woke us up the other night, wanting to go play in the moonlight or something, and I couldn't go back to sleep. Because of the owls. They hooted and whoooed for at least 45 minutes. There were two of them the whole time and at least three some of the time. I didn't know they were also keeping my husband awake until he said to the darkness, "Could they just get a room already?"

Nature is fun, young people.

And, as it turns out, pretty awe inspiring...when it's not keeping you awake.

telling stories...

2007-09-30T15:43:00.000-04:00

So, today at church the preacher got the kids and the middle schoolers to help him act out the Scripture passage. This took the place of the sermon with no notice to anyone in the congregation (except a comment during the announcement time when the preacher asked us all to forgive him or whatever might or might not happen with the children in a little while...we had no idea what he was talking about). Now, if our pastor didn't respect the children as much as he does and wasn't as energetic as he is, this would not have worked. And, as I'm coming to learn, there is a lot that can happen in a little church (think 30 folks in the pews...and that feels reasonably full in this small sanctuary) that just won't work in a bigger congregation.

Anyway, he got the kids to come up and started out like he was doing children's time (but had already read the Scripture) and then got them to help him act out the passage. It was the parable from Luke 16:19-31 with Lazarus and the rich man and the chasm between them after they die. It was explained that Lazarus means something like "God help him" and he was called "poor old God help him" throughout the story. No one wanted to play the part of "God help him." There were lots of volunteers for the rich man and his friends. The pastor incorporated some background teaching about the culture and moved through the story.

It was all impromptu, energetic, and slightly chaotic. No one knew exactly what was about to happen at any given moment (likely not even the pastor himself, given that small children and middle school boys were his helpers). The congregation got kind of energized and engaged, but also murmured and commented among themselves about the drama unfolding. They talked back when the pastor asked questions and were generally acting slightly more squirmy and engaged like kids rather than like adults. (The older teens in the pews were also completely enthralled with what their crazy church was up to now.)

At the end it started to get a little sad. Old "God help him" got to get up off the floor and go up to "the bosom of Abraham" and hang out with the angels in the choir loft...and that part was good. The rich man, though, had to stay behind...on the other side of the chasm. The pastor told the congregation that the rich man, even after seeing this chasm and seeing the difference between Lazarus and himself, was still commanding people what to do and even bossing around Father Abraham. The pastor looked at the young man playing the part of the rich man and asked if he could imagine anyone being so arrogant, so rude, so clueless? The boy thought for a minute and then said "yes"... and that no, the brothers probably wouldn't listen even if Lazarus were allowed to go back talk to them. The pastor said "Well, that makes sense...after walking past poor old 'God help him' every day and not ever even seeing him, why would they pay attention to him now...even if he came back from the dead?"

Then he asked the boy again "Can you imagine anyone being so set in their ways, so stubborn...maybe even arrogant...that they wouldn't pay attention and listen if someone came back from the dead...even if Jesus came back from the dead?!?" The boy said "well...yes." The pastor said "Yes, I'm afraid I can imagine that, too."

And then we prayed.

I think maybe that church today was more like what hearing Jesus teach would have been like than anything I've ever experienced before.

I love our little country church.

rise up singing...and blogging...

2007-09-29T00:00:00.000-04:00

So, here I go with the whole blogging thing. As most folks who will likely read this will know, I recently moved far away from all of my family and friends. Now, I'm over 600 miles north with my wonderful and funny husband and our crazy dog and cat. I know that for a lot of folks this wouldn't be a big deal, would feel like an adventure. For, me it feels hard...being this far away from the only place I've ever really lived, being this far away from all of my people, and moving from the city to the country. Also, as most folks will know, I've had a chunk of grief the last few years and at times it has kind of snowballed and felt a bit overwhelming.

So, now, in this new place, a new phase in life, I'm making it a spiritual practice to find happiness where I am, to live in the moment. My rockin' brother in law (one of them...they are both super cool) who is very musically inclined gave me a cd for Christmas that introduced me to a fabulous singer/songwriter: Daisy May (I highly recommend her music if you like folk kind of stuff!) She has a great song, Rise Up Singing. And I just like that. I love music and it inspires me, shapes me, is a form of prayer for me, and I guess I often have a sort of soundtrack running in my head. So, this is the song that inspired this blog...

if you are weary and trying to find your way home,
don’t give up my friend, ‘cause you are not alone.
in a world full of trouble you know trouble may find you
but i got your medicine, baby, this is what you do:

you gotta rise up, rise up singing.
in time, this too shall pass.
you gotta rise up, rise up singing--
you know, trouble ain’t built to last.

and when you’re left standing with no hope in sight
‘cause at the end of the tunnel someone’s been dimming out the lights,
you can lose your way and end up far from home
but, until the day you lose your voice, you cannot lose your song.

you gotta rise up, rise up singing.
in time, this too shall pass.
you gotta rise up, rise up singing--
you know, trouble ain’t built to last.

you know life ain’t easy and life will make you cry,
but so long as you’re breathing, you know you are still alive.
and when you’re standing at the station waiting for your train,
don’t you think you’ll be singing that sweet refrain:

you gotta rise up, rise up singing.
in time, this too shall pass.
you gotta rise up, rise up singing--
you know, trouble ain’t built to last.

--rise up singing, by Daisy May

This is me, then, trying to rise up singing...and blogging, in this case. Staying connected. Focusing on things beyond sadness and loss, beyond just feeling lonely, and, for that matter, beyond grad school (another big focus of time and energy the last few years). Finding out what makes me happy with my life, what things are fun and energizing for me, figuring out what God is calling me to be in this world.

So, here we go...because trouble/transition/loneliness ain't built to last...